Thoughts of a Princess

Back and Pathetic

2010-02-23T08:43:00.002+04:00

Wow! Really been some time… Well, when things go wrong and I don’t really wanna pour my heart out to anyone, that's when I start blogging again…

Mister M and I finally decided to take our relationship seriously and the past 19 months with him has been rocky yet happy but now it's come to an end, although we've almost ended it a number of times, this time I think it's for good… I don't know if I should be saddened or happy about this coz finally I won't be affected or hurt by what is happening or could happen with all that stand against us… but then again, the happiness goes away with it too…

Is it really worth fighting for? It’s only been two days since we ended our relationship but it’s just so difficult… I guess I’ve gotten so used to him being there and now it’s just so hard to cope… I feel so incomplete…

I’ve spend the past two days shedding tears not caring whether I’m at work, or driving or whatever… I look back and we’ve just been through so much and now it’s like none of it matters… I know that I’ve had a lot to do with what happened coz I’m a stubborn person and although I know he’s in a sensitive state now, I just haven’t been understanding enough…

I have felt ignored by him lately which I have tried to understand coz of what he’s going through but I’m human and I feel hurt… I just wanted to feel loved… be comforted! Is that wrong? Is that too much to ask for?

I’ve tried talking to him yesterday to patch things up but he said he doesn’t wanna talk about it for now… after that I’ve decided to just try to accept his decision… I just hope I can stand by what I said…

I feel so pathetic…

Cool Off...

2008-10-19T14:51:00.002+04:00

Everything was going so well…

Mister M finally opened up to me last week that he and his partner have talked about being separated. Apparently, his partner thinks it’s not worth trying to save the relationship anymore and she is just waiting for Mister M to tell her that it’s time they go their separate ways…

The only thing that’s stopping Mister M is his kids… he says he loves them and does not want them growing up without him and he knows that if his partner and him decide to separate, there will be an issue with the kids as surely both would fight for them.

A couple of days ago, Mister M tells me that everything has just gone mayhem as his family are now getting involved with the situation and he’s all pressured with everything that’s going on.

At that point, I thought that maybe I should back off coz I’m sure he does not need the added mood swings and tantrums from me so I asked him if he needed the space. He initially said that he didn’t and just wants me to hold on… I insisted that it would be better for him if I stayed out of the picture while he sorts himself out which he then agreed to.

I haven’t heard from him after that and I sent him a message on friendster and didn’t get any reply… I know you must be thinking that I’m such a psycho coz I suggested giving him the space and now I’m all sad about the fact that he hasn’t made an effort to contact me since…

I guess I’m just really missing him and I’m just hoping that everything works out sooner rather than later… *sigh*

Twenty-Six!

2008-09-24T19:50:00.002+04:00

Yup! 26 years old yesterday! And three celebrations this year! =)

First Celebration – 20th September 2008

Had an advance birthday dinner with my girlfriends/business partners and so-called boylets last Saturday. It was a pretty special day as it was the first time we’ve met up with the men in our lives! This is the first time RN and AL met Mister M, although they’ve heard quite a lot about him already. I was kinda anxious as to what their impression of him would be, not that it would make a difference, but it’s always nice to know that your friends approve of the man who makes you happy! Surprisingly, they thought that he was a really nice guy, obviously putting aside his situation and all.

The dinner went out really well although everyone thought that I wasn’t really in the mood for it. Well, when you’ve worked overtime for a whole week and on a weekend, you get pretty exhausted! They thought I didn’t enjoy the evening knowing that it was my special night, but who wouldn’t enjoy an evening with her girlfriends and her man?! *wink*

Second Celebration – 23rd September 2008

A few weeks before my birthday, I’ve been telling my sisters and cousin to organize a surprise party for me, but obviously that was just me and wishful thinking! Hahaha

My day started out pretty normal, went to work, been greeted by my sisters, a few of my colleagues who remembered. My ever so ‘best’ seatmate surprised me with a little gift. I received a package as well which was from Mister M (he got me 2 books and a card even after giving me a bebe bag during my advance dinner – such a sweet guy)!

Went online and my mom messages me, ‘Don’t forget to go to church!’ So, I thought, ok, let’s go to church. Called up LJ and asked what time the mass is on weekdays, got the info from her and agreed to meet in church and then head over to my place for dinner with the family. Little did I know that she was in on a little surprise that my sisters arranged for me! So, we met up and after a visit to the church, we thought we’d just go back to my place when she suddenly calls me and says we should drop by the mall first. Spend a couple of hours there and finally went home.

It felt like it was just another ordinary day. I was even disheartened when Mister M went home early and said would just spend the rest of the night sleeping (yup, he was in on the surprise as well).

When I reached home, my other sister wasn’t home yet and I was a bit disappointed coz obviously you’d think she’d be home early coz it was my birthday. My other sister called her up and said she’d be home in 10 minutes and I got a bit suspicious when my sister said she’d wait for her at the lobby of our building. I thought, maybe they got me a cake or something really special and they wanna give it to me at the same time.

When the doorbell rang and I went to open the door, I was welcomed by a chorus of Happy Birthday by my sisters, cousins and friends… something I wasn’t expected! I even got a special gift from my babe! =)

I guess it just shows that however my sisters and I argue, they’d still pull off something like this for me! Love you guys! Muah!

Third Celebration – 26th-27th September 2008

Much awaited weekend getaway at Fujairah Rotana with Mare, my sis and my nephew! Update later! =D

Letting Go...

2008-09-09T10:48:00.001+04:00

I guess it’s true when they say that when you’re happy, something is bound to happen to ruin the happiness…

Mister M and I have been really happy for the past few weeks… meeting up all the time, always on emails and text messages. I’m afraid that happiness will be coming to an end soon!

Yesterday, we were talking and he told me that his partner changed her mind about leaving the country for good coz she got a really good job offer. Obviously, I was disappointed by this but just acted like I didn’t care and even told him that he should be happy coz his family would still be here with him.

I got to thinking that our ‘relationship’ is really not gonna go anywhere so I’ve decided, hard as it is, to let go… I’m gonna do it slowly coz I don’t really want him to know that I am overly affected by his family not leaving. I’m the type of girl who won’t let men think that they’ve got a hold on me… I want them to think that I’m strong… but am I really?! *sigh*

The Talk

2008-08-18T10:38:00.001+04:00

Yesterday, Mister M and I sorta had ‘the talk’ (through text messages and emails).

Well, it started off with emails and every time he teases me or something, I’d always say I hate you. He then replied that he didn’t care coz he’s in love with me and there’s nothing I can do about what he feels and I just told him to quit it with his crap. He told me that he was serious it’s just hard to prove coz of all the walls that need to be broken down. Anyways, I just didn’t comment about it anymore.

We talked about going on holiday together in December (only during the flight though since he’ll be going to the Philippines and me in Singapore, but he is willing to stay in Singapore for a few days) but I told him that I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be going on holiday in December since I really planned not to this year. I told him we’d just go somewhere else some other time. =) But he's still trying to persuade me to go in December.

In the evening when I got home, we were sending text messages to each other and we were just fooling around and all when the conversation got kinda serious. He asked me if I didn’t like the idea of him falling in love with me and I told him it’s just really hard to say coz of his situation. He said that I am a lovely person and that I make him complete when he’s with me. He said that he does not want to lose me but he can’t promise me anything and he’d rather let me go than hurt me in the end. I replied, ‘I know, I’d risk getting hurt… for now…’

I know that I’m insane for actually telling him that but that’s just what I felt then and what I wanted to say…

Oh well, I guess I’m just really one crazy stupid person! *sigh*

The Sign... Ignored!

2008-08-17T09:08:00.001+04:00

The past few days have been really good…

Mister M and I said some stuff to each other and I guess that kinda helped with the 'distant feeling'.

We are now back to the regular text messaging, emailing and phone calls! =)

We met up last Thursday and it was really nice. We just talked about whatever (although we didn’t have ‘the talk’). He just listened while I blabbed away talking about my babe and just about my life…

I didn’t ask him about his family or anything, I’d want that to come from him initially when he wants to talk about it.

I went to a Kyla and JayR concert on Friday. Mister M got me the tickets for the concert but in the end he just couldn’t make it. =( The concert was really good however I just didn’t seem to appreciate it as much as I’d wanted to, I guess coz I just expected to be with him then. I’m sure there’ll be other times…

Yup... the sign was ignored! =P

Why?!

2008-08-11T08:50:00.000+04:00

I hate you…

I hate that I miss you…

I hate that I feel like this…

I was fine without you…

Why did you have to come into my life?!

Why?!.....

Bwiset!

2008-08-10T22:10:00.002+04:00

BWISET! BWISET! BWISET!

Bad Day?!

2008-08-09T19:26:00.000+04:00

Kept waking up in the middle of the night… no idea why! Went to the salon for a haircut and was supposed to meet up with Mister M after so I sent him a text message… ‘Are you ok to meet now?’ Even after my haircut, didn’t receive a reply so decided to go visit LJ and have lunch together. When I get to my car, it won’t start!!!

My car won’t bloody start and the temperature is around 50 degrees and I was sweating like hell! Called my cousin who lives close by and he manages to jump start my car and we decided to go get my car battery changed.

An hour after I sent a text to Mister M, he replies ‘Sorry, can’t make it, am not feeling well, might just stay home.’ I just had a feeling that he was bullshitting me so I replied, ‘Ok! Hope you feel better!’

LJ and I had lunch and she asked me if I was hurt. I told her that I wasn’t and that’s coz his reason is just so lame. I could have accepted his reason better if he just said that he couldn’t leave coz of his family. It’s really not like him to pass up an opportunity to meet up.

So I guess I got the sign that I asked for… our ‘relationship’ is just worthless! And for some reason I don’t feel sad about it… I’m actually pretty ok with it… I think! =S

Anyways, I decided not to sulk about the whole thing so I enjoyed the rest of my afternoon with LJ. We got ourselves really nice Liz Claiborne bags! =)

Sign...

2008-08-08T20:45:00.000+04:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day! =) After so long of not communicating much, Mister M and I were exchanging emails the whole day.

Apparently, he didn’t receive the last text I sent him the night before explaining why Mister E went shopping with me and LJ and the reason why I didn’t receive his email was coz he had attached pictures to it and my office email can’t receive emails over 2MB.

Even after telling him what my last text was he still said, ‘still… I’m jealous…’ and I told him, as a joke, that it’s coz he had to be somewhere else that night. I said we could meet up on Saturday and he was glad about it but that he wasn’t sure if he could make it or not.

You see, Mister M actually has ‘partner’ and 2 kids. I know that I’m stupid to be involved with a family man, but, I don’t know… he just makes me feel so special and there’s just this connection between us… I guess. My friends keep telling me that it’s wrong, which I know it is, but *sigh* I’m just really cracked! He usually goes home really late from work or if he does leave work early, he goes somewhere to hang out and he’s also usually out of the house on weekends. He says that he thinks he’s not really happy with his family. He sounds like a real a**hole, I know…

Anyways, he told me the reason why he might not be able to meet me on Saturday is coz his family will be leaving for the Philippines by the end of the September and this would be for good. So I told him that it’s fine and to just spend time with them. I asked him why they’re leaving but he told me that he’d tell me when we meet up. The first thing that came to mind was coz he’s planning to relocate to Qatar as he’s got a really good job offer there but apparently he’s not decided yet.

He called me yesterday evening and he just said that he wanted to tell me that he misses me. After that I didn’t know how I felt… didn’t know if I was happy or sad… I think this would just be cleared out once we talk.

For the past few days I’ve just been missing him so much… just wanting to see him and spend some time with him. I think he feels the same way.

I hope he makes it tomorrow… I’m asking for a sign… if he turns up tomorrow, well, it means that our ‘relationship’ has a chance and if not, well… =(

Survey's Fault

2008-08-07T09:47:00.004+04:00

Lately, Mister M and I have not really been communicating much. I guess one of the reasons is my cousin now works with him and he can’t really know about ‘our closeness’ (there’s a very good reason for this which I’ll blog about another time). I don’t get lunch break calls anymore (he has lunch with my cousin now) or early morning calls… I get limited emails now (he never knows when my cousin would be behind him)… very few text messages… we can never find the time to meet up…

It could also be coz of the few times that we’ve been annoyed with each other since I came back from my holiday… in a period of 2 weeks, we’ve had quite a few of them!

Well, yesterday, I thought I’d text him and tell him I miss him (which I don’t usually do because I’m not a person who’s usually open about how I feel).

Princess: Miss you…

Mister M: Miss you too! How are you?

Princess: No you don’t! I’m fine… You?!

Mister M: Yes I do. Did you get my email around midday today? You didn’t reply so you’re faking again. I’m not fine.

Princess: No you don’t… I just know u don’t! Nope, I didn’t receive anything! There was something wrong with our network today that’s probably why I didn’t get it! I’m faking what?! Why aren’t you fine?!

Mister M: How can you prove otherwise that I don’t miss you? Yah, maybe you didn’t receive my email. Thought you’re faking that you miss me coz you didn’t bother replying to my email. I’m not fine coz you went shopping with LJ and Mister E last night and I’m jealous!

Princess: I just feel it! I’m not faking it! You read my surveys?! It was just supposed to be me and LJ then Mister E invited us for dinner since he was in the area!

No reply after that…

The reason that he found out that I was out with LJ and Mister E was coz when I’m bored, I answer surveys on friendster to kill time. I never thought that he reads them… I know the few people who reads them (or I think they do) coz they answer the surveys too… but other than them, I don’t think anyone would be interested in other people’s surveys!

Oh well… I guess this ‘relationship’ between us is just one big blur! We really need to have ‘the talk’.

A Little Surprise

2008-08-07T08:55:00.002+04:00

The other day, I told my babe about the roses that I received and she was actually teasing me saying, ‘Ooohhh, it’s from your boyfriend!’ hahaha… she asked if she could have just one of the roses so I thought I’d give her a little surprise! :)

I told my sister to buy a pink rose for her the next day and in the card write, ‘To Babe. I Miss You. From Your Boyfriend (Mama)’

When they were about to give the rose to her, my mom called me so I’d actually know how she’d react when she sees it! She was very happy and she said that her boyfriend gave it to her. When I asked who her boyfriend is, she replied, ‘I have so many boyfriends, I don’t know their names anymore.’ Hahaha… we were all just laughing at her and since I had Mama written on the card, she realized that it was from me! :)

While I was talking to my mom, she went to watch some tv and she was just holding her rose and she also told my mom, ‘It’s like I’m getting married!’ Imagine if she received one big bouquet! Hahaha…

I’m glad that she appreciates these little surprises that I make up for her… I was super missing her yesterday and wished that I could have given the rose myself!

I Love You My Babe!

xoxo

Email Buddy

2008-08-06T08:11:00.002+04:00

Yesterday my friend, LJ, and I decided to go to the mall since I wanted to do some shopping and I finally got new shoes!!! =P

Anyways, I have this male friend, Mister E, who is usually my email buddy. He’s a church mate of one of my friends, and she thinks that he kinda likes me. Well, there are times that he would drop hints but he would always have an excuse or something.

Well, yesterday, we were on our emailing session and I mentioned to him that I would be going to the mall. When I was already at the mall waiting for LJ and doing my shopping, I got a text from Mister E and he asked whether I was at the mall and I said yes then he asked if I wanted to have dinner and I was like… ok! I was actually quite surprised.

Anyways, it was really fun hanging around with him and he too did a bit of shopping and he appreciates the opinions that LJ and I give him on the stuff that he tries on! =)

He left after we had dinner and LJ and I decided to stay at the mall for a while. She asked what I thought of him and I told her that he’s a nice guy and all but a bit boring for my liking! No spark there, unfortunately! =)

Smile

2008-08-04T21:12:00.009+04:00

My day started pretty normal and thought I'd have another usual Monday at work. Mister C kept asking me today if I was happy but I didn't really have a reason to be so I told him I was neither happy nor sad so he said he'd perform some magic! He said that he was excited and happy about today so I was intrigued by his high spirits. He said he wouldn't sleep till I was off work and I was wondering why... I had a feeling something was up but he wouldn't tell me what!

At around 16:30, my colleague at reception called me and told me that someone has sent me flowers! I had a feeling who it was from and my suspicion was confirmed when I read the card! :)

The card read, 'Smile. Have a good day. I miss you!'

I called him to thank him. I asked why and he said that I wasn't in a happy mood today so he thought he'd try and make me happy! I was really touched by the gesture... it was really sweet! It made me smile! :)

Well, I've taken a picture of the flowers, however for them to fit in the vase, some of the decorations had to be removed! (The bouquet was actually bigger than me with all the decorations)

Hmmm... looks like someone is really keen on climbing the wall! ;)

Color!

2008-08-03T10:47:00.004+04:00

The other day my sister was watching the Sex and the City movie and obviously my 4 year old nephew was not allowed to watch it but he wouldn’t leave the room and didn’t want to sleep either, so he just lay there with his mom playing his PSP and probably taking a peek at the movie! Hahaha…

The movie was on the ‘color’ scene and my nephew just decided to add a line to the script. I couldn’t find the complete script to the scene so I just put in the significant quotes and well… this will have to do…

The girls decided to use the word ‘color’ for sex since Lily (Charlotte’s daughter) was with them.

Miranda to the girls: “How often do you Color?”

Samantha to the girls: “Color? Well I can’t color enough. I would color all day…everyday if I had my way I’d use every crayon in the box.”

Carrie to the girls: “I won’t tell you how often, but when Big colors, he rarely stays in the line.”

My nephew to his mom: Mama, I want to color!

My sisters and I just started laughing so much! Hahaha

I sooo love my nephew!

The Wall

2008-08-03T08:59:00.002+04:00

‘I’ve built a wall not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb it.’ - My shout out in friendster and apparently it caught someone’s attention.

I’ve been told a few times that I have built a wall around myself… I guess it’s true, but can you blame me?! I now find it hard to open up to people, especially men… to trust them which then makes some of them think that I’m a heartless, selfish person, which of course I’m not… I think… =S

Anyways, I have this really good male friend in Canada, Mister C, who I’ve known for like forever. When we were younger, Mister C had a ‘thing’ for me but we’d just joke about it. We have this ‘special’ relationship and we’d tell each other about what’s going on in our lives.

Lately, Mister C and I have been talking everyday… talking about silly stuff and issues that we currently have. Yesterday, he asked why ‘my wall’ was built so high and asked if it was alright if he tried to climb it. I was like ‘Go ahead, but I’m not making it any easier for you just because we’ve known each other forever!’

For the past few months I’ve had a few male friends who tried to climb that wall, but they just find it a really tricky task. They say that I’m very unpredictable and it’s really difficult for them to know when I’m serious or not. I guess it’s coz I don’t wanna take everything they say seriously and in the end just get hurt. I know… I need to loosen up! My friends tell me that all the time!

Oh well… I’m patiently waiting for the time when the wall crumbles down, but I suspect that one would need a one of a kind bulldozer to succeed! :)

Middle of the Night

2008-07-31T09:20:00.005+04:00

The Issue
Why?! Why does he always do that?! Why does he rattle my brain with mind-boggling text messages in the middle of the night, in between my sleep and when I'm eventually wide awake replying to the messages, he just quiets down! It is sooo frustrating! Not that I have the right to demand...

The Solution
Hmmm... I'm gonna start switching off my phone at night... well, maybe for a couple of nights?!? :)

First Post

2008-07-30T10:21:00.004+04:00

Yesterday I was going through a blog that I've created ages ago. I haven't posted anything for the past 3 years and while going through it, I realized that I don't even remember some of them anymore!

I told a dear friend of mine, Mare, about this and she suggested that I start blogging again... so, here I am!

I'd usually blog about how trapped I feel since I am a single mother of a very beautiful baby girl and living with an over protective family. I guess it’s for my own good though… when I was younger I got all the freedom that I wanted and looked what happened! :)

Well, my baby stays with my parents now in another part of the world and after 3 years of pouring all my attention to my baby, I’ve started hanging out and spending time with my friends again. I thought, ‘Great! I have a life again!’, but don’t get me wrong, I sooo miss my baby and I’d trade my life now just to be with her again. I get to spend a couple of weeks with her every 6 months, but it is still never enough. Friends ask me why don’t I just relocate, I’d love to, but then again there are so many things to consider. So I guess for now I’d just have to cope with the situation.

I recently went to visit my baby last month and for the first time in 2 years, I’ve spent a whole month with her. A few days before I was due to leave, I’d told her that I had to go and we’d count the days together, I always do this so it’s not a shock to her that I have to leave her again and she’s usually fine with me leaving and all. The night before I left, she started crying and was telling me that she didn’t want me to go coz she would miss me so I had to make some promises to her before she agreed and fell asleep. I call her everyday and everyday she’d tell me that she’s crying coz she misses me. :(

Oh well, I guess sacrifices have to be made even if it breaks your heart… :(