Back and Pathetic

Wow! Really been some time… Well, when things go wrong and I don’t really wanna pour my heart out to anyone, that's when I start blogging again…

Mister M and I finally decided to take our relationship seriously and the past 19 months with him has been rocky yet happy but now it's come to an end, although we've almost ended it a number of times, this time I think it's for good… I don't know if I should be saddened or happy about this coz finally I won't be affected or hurt by what is happening or could happen with all that stand against us… but then again, the happiness goes away with it too…

Is it really worth fighting for? It’s only been two days since we ended our relationship but it’s just so difficult… I guess I’ve gotten so used to him being there and now it’s just so hard to cope… I feel so incomplete…

I’ve spend the past two days shedding tears not caring whether I’m at work, or driving or whatever… I look back and we’ve just been through so much and now it’s like none of it matters… I know that I’ve had a lot to do with what happened coz I’m a stubborn person and although I know he’s in a sensitive state now, I just haven’t been understanding enough…

I have felt ignored by him lately which I have tried to understand coz of what he’s going through but I’m human and I feel hurt… I just wanted to feel loved… be comforted! Is that wrong? Is that too much to ask for?

I’ve tried talking to him yesterday to patch things up but he said he doesn’t wanna talk about it for now… after that I’ve decided to just try to accept his decision… I just hope I can stand by what I said…

I feel so pathetic…

Cool Off...

Everything was going so well…

Mister M finally opened up to me last week that he and his partner have talked about being separated. Apparently, his partner thinks it’s not worth trying to save the relationship anymore and she is just waiting for Mister M to tell her that it’s time they go their separate ways…

The only thing that’s stopping Mister M is his kids… he says he loves them and does not want them growing up without him and he knows that if his partner and him decide to separate, there will be an issue with the kids as surely both would fight for them.

A couple of days ago, Mister M tells me that everything has just gone mayhem as his family are now getting involved with the situation and he’s all pressured with everything that’s going on.

At that point, I thought that maybe I should back off coz I’m sure he does not need the added mood swings and tantrums from me so I asked him if he needed the space. He initially said that he didn’t and just wants me to hold on… I insisted that it would be better for him if I stayed out of the picture while he sorts himself out which he then agreed to.

I haven’t heard from him after that and I sent him a message on friendster and didn’t get any reply… I know you must be thinking that I’m such a psycho coz I suggested giving him the space and now I’m all sad about the fact that he hasn’t made an effort to contact me since…

I guess I’m just really missing him and I’m just hoping that everything works out sooner rather than later… *sigh*

Twenty-Six!

Yup! 26 years old yesterday! And three celebrations this year! =)


First Celebration – 20th September 2008

Had an advance birthday dinner with my girlfriends/business partners and so-called boylets last Saturday. It was a pretty special day as it was the first time we’ve met up with the men in our lives! This is the first time RN and AL met Mister M, although they’ve heard quite a lot about him already. I was kinda anxious as to what their impression of him would be, not that it would make a difference, but it’s always nice to know that your friends approve of the man who makes you happy! Surprisingly, they thought that he was a really nice guy, obviously putting aside his situation and all.

The dinner went out really well although everyone thought that I wasn’t really in the mood for it. Well, when you’ve worked overtime for a whole week and on a weekend, you get pretty exhausted! They thought I didn’t enjoy the evening knowing that it was my special night, but who wouldn’t enjoy an evening with her girlfriends and her man?! *wink*


Second Celebration – 23rd September 2008

A few weeks before my birthday, I’ve been telling my sisters and cousin to organize a surprise party for me, but obviously that was just me and wishful thinking! Hahaha

My day started out pretty normal, went to work, been greeted by my sisters, a few of my colleagues who remembered. My ever so ‘best’ seatmate surprised me with a little gift. I received a package as well which was from Mister M (he got me 2 books and a card even after giving me a bebe bag during my advance dinner – such a sweet guy)!

Went online and my mom messages me, ‘Don’t forget to go to church!’ So, I thought, ok, let’s go to church. Called up LJ and asked what time the mass is on weekdays, got the info from her and agreed to meet in church and then head over to my place for dinner with the family. Little did I know that she was in on a little surprise that my sisters arranged for me! So, we met up and after a visit to the church, we thought we’d just go back to my place when she suddenly calls me and says we should drop by the mall first. Spend a couple of hours there and finally went home.

It felt like it was just another ordinary day. I was even disheartened when Mister M went home early and said would just spend the rest of the night sleeping (yup, he was in on the surprise as well).

When I reached home, my other sister wasn’t home yet and I was a bit disappointed coz obviously you’d think she’d be home early coz it was my birthday. My other sister called her up and said she’d be home in 10 minutes and I got a bit suspicious when my sister said she’d wait for her at the lobby of our building. I thought, maybe they got me a cake or something really special and they wanna give it to me at the same time.

When the doorbell rang and I went to open the door, I was welcomed by a chorus of Happy Birthday by my sisters, cousins and friends… something I wasn’t expected! I even got a special gift from my babe! =)

I guess it just shows that however my sisters and I argue, they’d still pull off something like this for me! Love you guys! Muah!


Third Celebration – 26th-27th September 2008

Much awaited weekend getaway at Fujairah Rotana with Mare, my sis and my nephew! Update later! =D

Letting Go...

I guess it’s true when they say that when you’re happy, something is bound to happen to ruin the happiness…

Mister M and I have been really happy for the past few weeks… meeting up all the time, always on emails and text messages. I’m afraid that happiness will be coming to an end soon!

Yesterday, we were talking and he told me that his partner changed her mind about leaving the country for good coz she got a really good job offer. Obviously, I was disappointed by this but just acted like I didn’t care and even told him that he should be happy coz his family would still be here with him.

I got to thinking that our ‘relationship’ is really not gonna go anywhere so I’ve decided, hard as it is, to let go… I’m gonna do it slowly coz I don’t really want him to know that I am overly affected by his family not leaving. I’m the type of girl who won’t let men think that they’ve got a hold on me… I want them to think that I’m strong… but am I really?! *sigh*

The Talk

Yesterday, Mister M and I sorta had ‘the talk’ (through text messages and emails).

Well, it started off with emails and every time he teases me or something, I’d always say I hate you. He then replied that he didn’t care coz he’s in love with me and there’s nothing I can do about what he feels and I just told him to quit it with his crap. He told me that he was serious it’s just hard to prove coz of all the walls that need to be broken down. Anyways, I just didn’t comment about it anymore.

We talked about going on holiday together in December (only during the flight though since he’ll be going to the Philippines and me in Singapore, but he is willing to stay in Singapore for a few days) but I told him that I haven’t decided yet if I’ll be going on holiday in December since I really planned not to this year. I told him we’d just go somewhere else some other time. =) But he's still trying to persuade me to go in December.

In the evening when I got home, we were sending text messages to each other and we were just fooling around and all when the conversation got kinda serious. He asked me if I didn’t like the idea of him falling in love with me and I told him it’s just really hard to say coz of his situation. He said that I am a lovely person and that I make him complete when he’s with me. He said that he does not want to lose me but he can’t promise me anything and he’d rather let me go than hurt me in the end. I replied, ‘I know, I’d risk getting hurt… for now…’

I know that I’m insane for actually telling him that but that’s just what I felt then and what I wanted to say…

Oh well, I guess I’m just really one crazy stupid person! *sigh*

The Sign... Ignored!

The past few days have been really good…

Mister M and I said some stuff to each other and I guess that kinda helped with the 'distant feeling'.

We are now back to the regular text messaging, emailing and phone calls! =)

We met up last Thursday and it was really nice. We just talked about whatever (although we didn’t have ‘the talk’). He just listened while I blabbed away talking about my babe and just about my life…

I didn’t ask him about his family or anything, I’d want that to come from him initially when he wants to talk about it.

I went to a Kyla and JayR concert on Friday. Mister M got me the tickets for the concert but in the end he just couldn’t make it. =( The concert was really good however I just didn’t seem to appreciate it as much as I’d wanted to, I guess coz I just expected to be with him then. I’m sure there’ll be other times…

Yup... the sign was ignored! =P

Why?!

I hate you…

I hate that I miss you…

I hate that I feel like this…

I was fine without you…

Why did you have to come into my life?!

Why?!.....